Fighting The Urge

Published August 1, 2015 by breakingoffpiecesofme

Today is one of those days where I feel incredibly lethargic and simply unmotivated due to recent events going on with my family. It is just one of yet another million things that is out of my control and it truly is heartbreaking. It is such a long story…Another day, another time to explain.

As usual, whenever I feel as though I am having an off day, or something is wrong, I often think about turning my attention to….alcohol. Ugh! No! Why do I always have to feel this way when my anxiety and sadness get the best of me? I don’t want to struggle anymore, nor do I believe that I will find any of the answers that I am looking for at the bottom of any bottle or beer can. I will only perplex myself more, and try to justify my needs for consumption. Today, I am fighting this urge, quite strongly in fact. Each and every fiber of my being seems to be pulling me towards needing a drink. I promised myself countless times that “this will be the last time..” But it never is! I wish I could dig deep inside my mind and grasp the concept of all of my issues and take them on without fail, but I am a work in progress. I’m sitting here, just tearing up because I’m letting myself down again. 

Yesterday I did quite well. A new friend of mine is beginning to hold me accountable when it comes to going to the gym. She goes practically every day and is shaping up. Her and I have similar issues. We also have a similar drinking issue. It’s really sad and I know that it has to stop. I didn’t drink not once yesterday, I made a list of all my goals and I hit each and every one of them on the nail. I went to the gym, walked over 10,000 steps, drank a gallon or so of water, went to therapy…Just like I promised myself. I think I should start approaching each day in this way. I need to honor myself, stay true to my goals and values. I need to suck up my emotional pain and understand where it’s coming from, and why I’m sad…Why I cry so much…Even as I write this, I feel a sense of release. I feel like I am gaining control over my current thoughts of wanting to go out and buy a couple of beers. I am better than that. I know it’s bad for me, I know it’s why I have stayed the same or gotten worse all this time. I just wish that for ten or so years, I didn’t rely on it to be my best friend. I wish I had gotten close enough to an actual person instead of shutting them out. 

I am discovering more and more about myself throughout this journey. We aren’t very fair into it and already I feel these strong emotions. I feel sort of a sense of loss. I need to just tell myself that these feelings are only temporary. They won’t last forever. I don’t need alcohol to function in my life. I’m not that bad off, but I am afraid if I continue this pattern, I am going to become dependent on alcohol…God forbid if that ever happened to me. I know already that I would lose everything that I have worked so hard for. I don’t want to lose my mind in the process as well. 

Well, that’s all for now. If anyone is out there reading this, Thank you. I know we all have our own personal demons and I am no longer going to hide mine. I want to fight again it! 

Take care!

Alisha W.

My Picture Revelation!!

Published July 25, 2015 by breakingoffpiecesofme

Today I woke up with a brand new attitude. My drive to change was very intense, more so than my cravings for the regular things that have caused me to become obese in the first place. For a while, and I mean an insanely long while, I was eating pizza practically everyday. I was drinking beer more than 3 times per week and then it hit me: THESE 2 THINGS ARE THE REASON WHY YOU ARE STAYING THE SAME OR GAINING WEIGHT! Ugh! What a revelation though. I knew that regularly consuming these things was bad for my body, but parts of me wonder if they are turning my insides into complete mush.

My two nieces, Kyra and Haylee visited me a week ago from today, and just yesterday my mother posted the pictures from that long awaited family reunion (it had been six years since the last time I saw them…), and well, I was appolled at how I looked. I normally don’t like it when people take full body shot pictures of me. My pictures are normally from the neck up. I looked at myself and saw what I try to avoid looking at in the mirror…An obese woman whose life was utterly spiraling out of control. I’ve made so many attempts at weight loss and what I saw staring back at me was a woman who is strong and should have fought harder. I saw someone who failed herself after all this time at trying to get fit. I always gave into my temptations. I never told myself that my body didn’t deserve what I was putting it through. Seeing those photos was definitely a wake up call. I know that I cannot have those things in moderation so why do I even attempt to? I want to lose the weight, instead of continuously losing and gaining the same 15-20 lbs. I want to exceed my own expectations and see how mind blowing life can be if I actually were to put my mind to something and accomplish it. I have so much knowledge and know how when it comes to the field of health, fitness and even losing weight, yet how can I possibly give others any kind of advice if I’m not applying my knowledge to my own life? That doesn’t make any sense. It sort of turns me into a hypocrite in a way.

Each day, I decided that I am going to write down and accomplish a daily goal. They say take everyday one step at a time! That’s what I’m going to do instead of focusing on the future and becoming too overwhelmed by the fact that I have 100 or so pounds to lose. I’m going to put my mind to this struggle and battle through it!

Thanks for reading!

Alisha W.

Eating Breakfast (a newly formed healthy habit? Me?!)

Published July 14, 2015 by breakingoffpiecesofme

So, for many, many years, I was one of those types of people who rolled out of bed every morning, cracked open a cold diet pepsi (I know! ASPARTAME….I’ve heard all the lectures!) and was satisfied until I felt the overwhelming urge to bing eat later on in the day. Can you guess the foods of choice that I craved? Carbs, carbs, and more carbs. Not of the wholesome variety either! Pizza is my #1 weakness. I swear I could sit down and eat an entire large pepperoni pizza to myself…..One of my friend’s always jokes around and says I’m going to turn into a pizza or if I were on an operating table to save my life, they’d have to place a “pizza IV” in my arm…Yeah, it’s bad. On a more serious note, I also struggle with controlling my beer/alcohol consumption. I truly am working on getting tall boys out of my life. I don’t want this gut overflowing my jeans any longer! That being said, I’ve taken to researching different methods, different diets, different weight loss journey’s via instagram or youtube. One thing that I’ve noticed was an on going occurance in each and every person’s strategy was to eat breakfast in the morning!

For the last couple of weeks, I’ve made it a point to wake up in the morning. I’m always up around 6:00 a.m. I observed that people who have lost significant amounts of weight initially eat breakfast within an hour or so of waking up. It makes a lot of sense to me. It’s like putting fuel into an engine and revving it up. You can’t run on empty, right? I also noticed that the more I put this new “change” into practice, the more I notice my body telling me I’m hungry whenever I wake up. I’ve never truly listened to my body before. I always just waited until I felt so hungry I could burst! So, for the past couple of weeks, that is what was on my agenda…Eating BREAKFAST each and every morning. I usually like to have 2 eggs, 2 slices of low sodium turkey bacon, with a slice of whole grain bread and a nice cold glass of water. I’ve incorperated fruit with my breakfast perhaps every few days. I enjoy apples, oranges, grapefruit, grapes, raspberries, bananas…But I understand that it is possible to go overboard when it comes to fruit. It contains all of that natural sugar!

Anyways, I’m going to keep on making it a point to eat breakfast everyday. I feel the need to now, so perhaps this is a newly formed..HABIT??? A healthy one at that??? Wow, time really can make all the difference.

I think for upcoming weeks, I need to work on my dependency on diet pepsi when I’m thirsty and actually drink A LOT more water. I drink it for breakfast but that’s certainly not enough. I need to really hydrate myself and stop making myself tired with all this processed crap. I want to feel alive and energentic again. I want to LIVE!

Until next time. Take care!

Alisha W.

My weight loss journey: The beginning!

Published July 1, 2015 by breakingoffpiecesofme

Well, the ever so intimidating phase of my weight loss journey is beginning and let me tell you, it has been a long-awaited phase of my life. It is not as if I have ever attempted weight loss in my life…In fact, I am an habitual yo-yo dieter. Indeed, I would decide to commit to something, only to have it fall apart within a matter of months and gain each and every lb back plus 15 more give or take . I have finally decided that enough is enough and I am going to do this, and do it right! If I want to say I’ve accomplished anything big in my life, I hope, at the very least I can say, “Hey, I lost 100 lbs!” Yes, that is my goal, my dream, my ambition and currently,  my drive.

It is a long story, and sort of “reverse” journey into this darkened place I called “obesity.” I am 28 years old. I stand 5 ft 5 in. tall and I weigh 248.5 lbs as of Monday, June 29, 2015. Sadly enough, 248.5 lbs hasn’t been my highest weight. To be honest, my highest weight ever was in 2012. I weighed in at 273 lbs. Seeing that number on the scale truly broke my spirits. It made me feel ugly, disgusting and worthless. My feelings every time I looked in the mirror were that of horror and shame. I dressed in black all the time and rarely ever went out in public. Forget having a full body picture taken of me either. That was absolutely out of the question. Now, don’t get me wrong…I am not saying that anyone should ever feel ashamed or disgruntled by their weight or body image. This is just how I perceived myself at this stage in my life. I always beat myself up over the smallest of things…and weight just happens to be one of them.

I am tired of starting over. I am tired of not learning from my previous mistakes when it came to my health and fitness. I am tired of being tired all the time and sad about my reflection in the mirror.. I am sick of always being a slave to my addiction and never giving my body the rightful nutrients that it deserves. I am ready to begin a new chapter in my life, and I hope to one day be able to prove to myself that I can do this and that I can change my lifestyle. I want to prove to myself that I can overcome and accomplish anything that I put my mind to. I no longer want to be the one who quits everything that she starts. I want to strive and be someone else’s inspiration. I hope to one day help others with the knowledge that I will come to know, and the knowledge and wisdom I have already learned.

I will weigh myself every Monday morning. I will record weekly progress reports as well as goals that I aim to hit every single week. I will record what I am feeling, craving, and how I am coping with the gradual changes that I am going to bring forth into my life.

Thank you so much for reading. I will keep everyone posted!

Alisha W.