Today is one of those days where I feel incredibly lethargic and simply unmotivated due to recent events going on with my family. It is just one of yet another million things that is out of my control and it truly is heartbreaking. It is such a long story…Another day, another time to explain.
As usual, whenever I feel as though I am having an off day, or something is wrong, I often think about turning my attention to….alcohol. Ugh! No! Why do I always have to feel this way when my anxiety and sadness get the best of me? I don’t want to struggle anymore, nor do I believe that I will find any of the answers that I am looking for at the bottom of any bottle or beer can. I will only perplex myself more, and try to justify my needs for consumption. Today, I am fighting this urge, quite strongly in fact. Each and every fiber of my being seems to be pulling me towards needing a drink. I promised myself countless times that “this will be the last time..” But it never is! I wish I could dig deep inside my mind and grasp the concept of all of my issues and take them on without fail, but I am a work in progress. I’m sitting here, just tearing up because I’m letting myself down again.
Yesterday I did quite well. A new friend of mine is beginning to hold me accountable when it comes to going to the gym. She goes practically every day and is shaping up. Her and I have similar issues. We also have a similar drinking issue. It’s really sad and I know that it has to stop. I didn’t drink not once yesterday, I made a list of all my goals and I hit each and every one of them on the nail. I went to the gym, walked over 10,000 steps, drank a gallon or so of water, went to therapy…Just like I promised myself. I think I should start approaching each day in this way. I need to honor myself, stay true to my goals and values. I need to suck up my emotional pain and understand where it’s coming from, and why I’m sad…Why I cry so much…Even as I write this, I feel a sense of release. I feel like I am gaining control over my current thoughts of wanting to go out and buy a couple of beers. I am better than that. I know it’s bad for me, I know it’s why I have stayed the same or gotten worse all this time. I just wish that for ten or so years, I didn’t rely on it to be my best friend. I wish I had gotten close enough to an actual person instead of shutting them out.
I am discovering more and more about myself throughout this journey. We aren’t very fair into it and already I feel these strong emotions. I feel sort of a sense of loss. I need to just tell myself that these feelings are only temporary. They won’t last forever. I don’t need alcohol to function in my life. I’m not that bad off, but I am afraid if I continue this pattern, I am going to become dependent on alcohol…God forbid if that ever happened to me. I know already that I would lose everything that I have worked so hard for. I don’t want to lose my mind in the process as well.
Well, that’s all for now. If anyone is out there reading this, Thank you. I know we all have our own personal demons and I am no longer going to hide mine. I want to fight again it!